The most important thing in this kind of situation is to maintain a united front when you are in front of the child. Kids can sense weakness in the r'ship like dogs sense fear. I know it sounds bad but children are born manipulative. They know how to cry on cue, how to make you feel sorry for them to get what they want, and how to divide you against your husband. It's not that they are mean about it but it's just a natural instinct that kids have. With that in mind, it's very important that your child knows you will ALWAYS back up your husband and he will ALWAYS back you up. When I was growing up, you got in the most trouble if you ever tried to turn mom against dad or asked mom for something then asked dad if she said no. If you disagree about parenting, disagree in private. Figure out a compromise then parent him together.
He needs to learn from you and you need to learn from him. The fact is, parents today tend to 1) never follow through on ';threats'; of punishment, and 2) are way too easy on their kids which has created an entire generation of spoiled kids. Even if you are more lenient than your husband, the more important thing is that when you threaten a punishment, you follow through. The minute you start with the ';I'll give you 3 chances'; thing, you're finished! The kid is now in control!How do you compromise when you and your spouse disagree on parenting?
You discuss with your child about the REASON on everything you're doing for or asking from them, and they'll learn the CAUSE-EFFECT issues and will have faith in you as a parent.
Surprisingly early, they may understand you; just HABITS.
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You've got to communicate with each other until you *both* understand the other person's reasons for doing things the way they do. You've *both* got to trust that the other person has the same parenting goals that you do. You've *both* got to respect the other person's methods %26amp; intentions. And, you've got to be flexible enough to change, learn and grow together as you parent with each other.
It all starts with letting down your guards %26amp; really talking *and* listening to each other.
Well, luckily, my husband and I have seldom disagreed on parenting -- we have very similar approaches.
However, the one thing that we NEVER do is argue about parenting in front of the kids. If we have a problem with the other's decision, we discuss it in private. And, if it results in a change in a parenting decision, the parent making the original decision is the one that presents the change -- we try to avoid playing ';good cop/bad cop';.
One thing that you might want to try, as parents, is to avoid making instant parenting decisions, and agree to discuss decisions before handing down pronouncements. For example, if your daughter wants to go to a party and its later than she is usually allowed to stay out, don't automatically say, ';Hell, no.'; Just say, ';Your mom/dad and I will need to talk about that and get back to you.'; At least, that way, you can provide a united front, instead of the situation that you have now, where one is basically apologizing for the other -- don't think kids don't zero in on that quickly and learn to play it!
You need a happy balance of both otherwise you will end up with a little **** that doesn't listen to a word you say and does what they want when they want to do it.
Be firm and resolute in you decisions and never argue with your partner in front of the child about the techniques the other parent is using. Children learn very quickly and they then know how to milk the situation.
They grow up sooo quickly and you dont want to miss out on anything especially if you are both fighting on who's right and who's wrong.
Well, you need an equal amount of both to raise a child. If you're only lenient, your kid will be a pu'ssy. If you're only aggressive, your kid will be cold, abusive, and not capable of love.
you better get together on this or the children will start ';working'; you over and soon! the kids will start to go to one parent for some things and then prefer the other for different things. even if you dont agree on your approach you can be SURE that over time, if you dont both give the same answers to the constant questioning they will see the weakness in both of you and it only adds to the confusion and the therapy bills when they grow up.
first: you need to both love the children, if you do then the rest will make sense.
second: good, unified parenting is good for children and gives them the tools and skills they need to move out of the house and be useful citizens of this planet
third: the hardest thing to do is get your own damned ego out of your way when you are parenting. if you love these children and want the best you can give them then swallow your pride, both of you, and stop nursing your wounded pride because your idea or parenting approach is not the most correct. change is difficult. it is your job to show your kids how to grow and change and make proper decisions. mistakes happen, show them how to adjust your approach and grow into a better, more unified parenting plan. IT IS NOT EASY!
dont be lazy! it takes hard work ALL THE TIME, anyone thats tells you different is wrong. it is hard work, all the time! all the time, even when you are tired, sick, exhausted from your job, hung over, late for the dentist, your in-laws are visiting and making you nuts, you wnat to watch the ball game... it is ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! but after you see your kids grow up and you are with them and part of their life it can be very rewarding.
get it together. no excuses. stop being lazy and get talking, get some books on it from the library, ask a trusted friend/parent, ask a counselor/therapist, stop being selfish and work on your relationship and your parenting. if he/she wont comprimise and talk about it reasonably then this is an indication that they are not into you either. start now!
You talk and keep talking until you can find something to agree on. Sometimes you've got to decide when to fight and when to let it pass. If you want to change your hubby's behaviour, try giving him specific examples of phrases to use. Instead of ';you clumsy little so and so'; he may be able to manage ';oh damn it. Well, go clean it up then.'; I would also get yourselves into some sort of social group where he can see other fathers. He'll come to his own conclusions about what sort of father he wants to be. He'll probably comment about some guys being pansies, and others being bastards. If he comments about something or someone in the latter category, you can always point out mildly that he comes across the same way when he does whatever it is. Many fathers want to be tough and manly, few want to be bastards, and would be shocked to know that someone perceived them that way. He probably doesn't know how scary he can be to a little kid. A social group will also give him a bit more perspective on what is age appropriate.
You will also have to accept that sometimes you'll have to do what he wants. He has to get his own way sometimes. If he says it's half an hour of tv a day, and that's all, then that's all they get. If he says they have to finish their dinner, then they have to finish their dinner. You can serve them less the next day :) Pick your fights carefully.
You should talk to your spouse about the problem. Tell him/her that you are worried about the kids. This is the key thing: include the kids (not physically, of course) in your argument. This will let him/her know that you are really sincere and that you, like him/her, only want the best thing for the kids. And tell him/her why you act the way you do towards the kids. Maybe you both could try to lean more towards the center.
try to compromise, talk about the situation rationally.
you each have your views, in turn you,ll both be right work the right parts and put them together it does work out in the end.
Seriously, you ball out your husband (when everyone's asleep) for being such a jerk to the kids and you tell him to lighten up and give him specific examples. Then, knowing you are right and fair, you do it exactly how you've been doing it because you are the mother and you are the right one.
I think that both of you should go to a marriage counselor to sort out these differences of opinion.
Harleigh Kyson Jr.
when one is assertive to the children the other one must back down so to avoid getting confusion from who to follow.
My husband and I area alot like this. We dont really compromise, but when he goes outta line, Ill ring him aside (NEVER IN FRONT OF THE KIDS) and explain to him why what he did was wrong and too harsh, usually he just doesnt realize hes being a tad too strict. Generally he'll apologize then, to our kids, and explain to them that daddy was angry, and yelled to much or whatever.
Make a 'date' to talk about it and be deliberate about it. This conversation would probably only 'come up' during a disagreement and that would give emotional attachment to each side of the argument because, no matter what, both parents want to do what is best for the children. Be very honest with each other--why do we parent this way? where did it begin? it is really appropriate? are there things that you do that I like or vice versa?
It is very important to be on the same page, especially when it comes to discipline, because kids can get very confused about what is 'okay' when both parents see things differently. Even if you can't agree one hundred percent with what or why, consistency is key.
Firstly you two need to talk privately away from your children. If need be find a mediator. I know that may seem extreme but parenting can be so person to some people that it can even hurt their relationship. The most important thing to remember is why you had your children to begin with and how much you love eachother. Each of you in the end just wants the best for them. Niether one of you will do yourselves any good by just letting the other take over.
Set a list of priorities. List of what you both want for your children in the future. Both of you voice your concerns to the other. Maybe you can assign duties to either party. Think about your children individually, I cannot stress this enough. What might work for one, may not work for all but you should have general ground rules for each. Just like marriage parenting requires alot of communication. Don't just jump in it, don't be afraid to hold off a little bit especially when coming up with consequences for your children's actions.
I believe all children need boundries, they long for them even if it doesn't seem that way it gets them thinking. I know it did for me. Even when I did something 'bad.' Knowing why %26amp; what were very important in me making proper judgements in the future.
Discipline is great but so is a kind hand and even a little easy going too. It keeps a subtle happiness between the children and yourself.
You opposite parenting techniques can bring great things in the future. It means you've got both ends covered and honestly you should pat yourselves on the back for that because as challenging as this may seem it is good for everything if you cooperate in harmony.
Learn to make time to voice concerns make sure each voice is heard.
Realize in the end there is no perfect parenting, sometimes you have to just 'let-go' for the sake of your sanity and your marriage. You can be just a 'good-enough' parent and still be concidered a great one.
Come to a ';Happy Medium'; remember both of you were raised differently so you bring that to the marriage...I would say most importantly DON'T ARGUE about it right there in front of the child if you disagree with the other but rather wait for the right time (sooner the better) to discuss your feelings and a possible solution...also as someone else stated having a mediator i.e. a counselor is never a bad idea.
Talk about it...ALOT. Me and my boyfriend are the same way. It kinda sucks, but what we do now is send her to her room when she's in trouble, or put her in time out (as the starting ground of punishment for something) and then go to another room to discuss and agree one what step should be taken next. Otherwise we'd be undermining each other all day.
Just try not to ever argue about it in front of the kids, they will learn to use this against you later....the whole ';I'll ask mommy cause she's nicer bit even though dad already said no';.
Good lucK!
Maybe if one relaxes a bit with being too tought at times the other one can be a little tougher and it will balance out.
rock paper scissors
Come to a compromise. I mean, something in the middle of these two parenting styles would be ideal. Tell your spouse that if he keeps up the drill sergeant ways, then the kids are going to grow up to be stiff and unhappy, and think their more aggressive parent doesn't love them because the other parent is nicer and more lenient ..which will make them confused as to why one parent is mean and one is nice, and if mom and dad are both different then the kids will think they can get away with anything because the parents will be the ones fighting about it instead of both coming together and disciplining the children and teaching them things.
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