Do you think humiliating your child or teen
for small mistakes or occasional bad behavior is wrong? Does it hurt the child's feelings? Do their feelings matter?
Or do you think that they need to learn that life is tough, so you have to be tougher on them so they'll know how to deal with it.
I've been wondering about this for a long time.
I'm 18, and I don't have kids.
No ignorant answers please.Is humiliating your child or children an effective parenting tool or child abuse?
As a general rule, no. In some select cases, yes.
I was talking to an older high school teacher and parent, who is convinced that ';shame'; is disappearing in young people. They've been taught not to be ashamed of sex, failure, drug use, etc. Celebrities are doing the craziest things and getting money for it. Shame used to be a powerful motivator for people to tow the line.
Now, while I think the teacher certainly has a point, I think we don't need to revert to Puritanical ideas. But, sometimes shame is the best emotion to motivate someone to do better.
I saw a story on the news recently about a mother who forced her son to hold a sign stating that he was rude to his teacher and he was sorry. I'd be willing to bet that kid is less likely to repeat the mistake that is all too common in our schools. I'm a substitute teacher. I know about not being respected. While the mother probably could have employed another method, the one she chose did not harm the child, and was probably effective. It also showed the son what behavior would and would not be tolerated, and that the mother is going to take the time and effort to parent her child when he steps out of line.Is humiliating your child or children an effective parenting tool or child abuse?
Humiliation, is something nobody likes. People can even fear to be humiliated in front of some one or people. When talking to a child about something that he or she did wrong. it should always be done in private. Nobody needs to see what you are going to do nor hear what you need to say. It is abuse, because the child's self esteem may go down. This can also turn into emotional abuse, which is not good. The child may start to hate the parent if this is done repeatedly and for big things. A good example would be a parent screaming at the child and spanking the child in public. Even if it appears to be a small thing the child is going to become afraid of the parent, and eventually hate the parent.
Humiliation of a child (or any another person for that matter) is NEVER an effective way to get them to change their behavior! Think about yourself: Would you rather be taught with respect and compassion or with humiliation and scorn?
When I was raising my 3 children (who are all wonderful adults now) there was one cardinal rule I followed: Treat every child as a human being (a little adult) whose feelings are equally as important as ours!
A child's feelings matter! From an adult perspective, it may seem to be a minor issue, but to the child it may be hugely important. For example if a child loses his favorite toy, he may get very upset, just as an adult would if his car were to be stolen!
There is no difference in intensity of emotions! You as an adult may be attached to your car (and feel it is valuable and necessary), but the child is similarly attached to his toy.
It is because parents do not respect their child's feelings that we have so much conflict in the home. If they were to consider the child's problem from the child's perspective, then there would be much happier families.
Since it is so important to respect the child's feelings, it goes without saying that `humiliating' the child is NOT a good option at all as a parenting tool!
I suppose it could be, if it causes ';emotional distress';, but extreme cases only, like shaving your daughters head just to humiliate her, catching your 16 yo daughter having sex and making her stand out in the yard with a sign that says ';i am a future whore'; ( I actually saw that in public housing when I lived there. The police came and told her mom to let her in, etc. Emoyional abuse can be child abuse, under most state laws, this is Michigans definition:
Child abuse means harm or threatened harm to a child's health or welfare that occurs through non-accidental physical or mental injury, sexual abuse, sexual exploitation, or maltreatment, by a parent, a legal guardian, or any other person responsible for the child's health or welfare or by a teacher, a teacher's aide, or a member of the clergy. Note: DHS does not investigate child abuse by a teacher, teacher's aide or a member of the clergy. DHS will transfer these types of complaints to law enforcement.
Copyright © 2001-2007 State of Michigan
It's not abuse, but intentionally humiliating a child is not acceptable and not something a mature parent would do. There are better ways to teach children about life. As far as ';life being tough';, bosses who intentionally humiliate their employees tend to quickly find themselves out of a job because doing so negatively affects productivity. Anyone who says that humiliating a child is teaching her/him about real life knows nothing about real life.
I think humiliating a child is stupid and cruel.
It's our job to be the adult in a situation...and I think humiliating someone is asinine and immature.
Children are people too and communication is the first line of defense with mistakes or bad behavior.
Everyone is deserving of common courtesy and personal respect.
Setting up guidelines in advance and having clear lines of communication and everyone knowing the consequences for bad behavior is a much more ';fair'; way to handle indiscretions.
Humiliating a child only shows the child that they can't be honest with their parent because their parent is a tool.
';Humiliating'; a child for bad behavior is definitely wrong. Children learn from from making mistakes and being corrected. The definition of ';humiliating'; is most important. If a child being potty trained has an accident in a store making a scene to ';humiliate'; them is wrong. If a child throws a tantrum in a store, it's not ';humiliation'; to walk them out, or ignore them.
its not effective, but I've seen some parents use it for certain situations. I'm in the early life parent set so for me I've seen it be used when it comes to potty training. They shame or humiliate the child into using the toilet, and for me I think it just makes the kids act like little punks more than they normal would. I figure that children should live in their own fantasy world and when they are older discover that the world isn't so nice.
I'm 15.
Feelings DO matter in 1) a relationship, 2) how willing they are to listen to/respect you (sometimes I'm so hurt or angry by something my mum says I just think, ';GET LOST!';).
Of course humiliation hurts feelings, that's what humiliation is about.
Humiliation goes a long way, trust me. It makes me feel like everybody is laughing at me even when they're not, it makes me feel I can't talk to anyone and it hurts me. I don't think you should humiliate a child or teen at all, let alone for ';small mistakes'; or ';occasional bad behaviour';.
Was it done to you or are you considering doing it as a disciplinary action?
I don't know if it's child abuse, could possibly be emotional abuse, well it would certainly be abusive if you did it to another adult such as a spouse.
I don't think it's effective or teaches anything all it shows is that the parent has lost control of their emotions and want to make the child suffer rather teach them. ';Life is tough'; that is true but it's not an excuse to treat people like cr*p.
i would never humiliate my child as a punishment. yes it hurts their feelings and YES their feelings matter. if you belittle a child and make them feel worthless (example: by humiliating them) it doesn't help them to grow up and be the best person they can. i think it's cruel to humiliate a child just because you can.
I think it depends on the situation.
Examples:
If you tell your kid not to get their hair died green but they do it anyhow and are embarrassed by the result, a few days of being seen in public with green hair could be a fair punishment.
If you catch your 12 year old sucking their thumb after you told them not to, going around and telling everybody about it so they can tease your kid for being a ';baby'; is going too far.
In general I say that humiliating should be off limits. But there are times when it is effective.
Although my husband has often looked at our 6 year old and said (while he was whinning for something) What you want does not matter right now!
I do not think it's ever okay to tell a child that what they FEEL does not matter, children are people too.
I think it's abuse to humiliate your child but a little embarrisment happens sometimes; however,
when my Step-Father was a child he peed in the bed one night as a punishment his mother made him wear a sign that said
';I'm a Pathetic Pee Pot'; and stand at the corner of a busy enter section. As a result my Step-Father grew up to be a child abuser that raped me, my sister and a family friend when we were teenagers. that being said I think this kind of abuse fosters very sick and trollish people
It’s crappy parenting….
My father did it to my sister and myself. Not intentionally, he was just an ***. He would yell at us in public, no matter WHERE we were, and he’d belittle us.
If we were at a family friend’s house, he’d scream at us so badly it made other people feel uncomfortable. He’d make us sit in the car for hours at a time as our time out. At freaking 15 years old! I started packing games, snacks, books, etc because I was always in the damn car. Over spilled milk…..literally!
And what do I think of my father? Well, he’s a prick. It was like walking on eggshells as a child. My friends didn’t want to come over. It was always leaving us uneasy and stressed and well, we hated him.
So I say it’s child abuse (sort of) because NO child should have to feel humiliated and embarrassed by a parent. Especially if done intentionally!
THAT is called verbal/emotional abuse...
abuse. hands down. The sad thing is that some parents think it's okay and that their children's feelings don't matter.
My mom once told this guy that I worked with as a camp counselor that I had a crush on him and that she thought it was ';cute';. I was 17 and he was 21 and I had to work with him all summer after that. Trust me, humiliating your kids is not good.
It is just as abusive. I had both and I know for a fact that both were abuse. My uncle wouldn't allow me to go to the bathroom in public and I'd just piss myself, I was like 9 you know too old to be doing that. I know that sounds so funny but veryone would see and it SUCKED, I still feel embarassed to this day I'm still messed up from it.
I think using humiliation as a form of punishment is wrong. Parents should be helping their children build their character and self esteem, not crushing it. As for it being child abuse, I think it depends on the situation.
It would depend on the situation but a public humiliation is just wrong. If it's at home, I'd be careful not to cross the line because after all, If I can't love my children unconditionally without judging/humiliating them that what chance do they have?
There is never any need to humiliate your child/children.
They will learn the world is a tough place throughout their life without the parent ramming it home to them. Even if they are slow learners they will learn.
Why can't a parent(s) be their safe haven?
It isn't abuse but it is just so wrong to do that to a child. I am sure it hurts their feelings and yes a child's feelings do matter.
It truly depends...
Cause the same way you responded to your parents when they did such and such, is the same way your teen will respond to you, when you do such and such......
Child abuse.
And by the way, you are wrong, the term child abuse isn't over- but underused in this country....
Neither, it's just wrong. People throw around the term ';child abuse'; wayyy too much these days.
Child abuse.
You have to give respect, to earn it.
It isn't child abuse. The first answerer is correct - that term is thrown about far too loosely. Child abuse is a crime and has specific boundaries. Humiliating someone, child or not, is not illegal.
However it certainly isn't effective parenting, either. It's downright cruel - humiliation has short term and occasionally long term (depending on the severity) psychological effects. No parent should resort to psychological tormenting as a form of discipline.
You don't go into much detail on what this humiliation entails, however. If a child or teen is disciplined appropriately in public, then they might find this humiliating. I can think of occasions in my childhood where I did something wrong and was given a good telling off there and then, and I found it humiliating. That's ok, that will teach the child not to play up in public; if a child kicks off in front of others and is allowed to get away with it until they got home, then this would pretty much negate the discipline to follow. However if you're referring to the deliberate humiliation of a child/teen AS a form of punishment (as opposed to the form of punishment happening to lead to humiliation because of the time and place) - an example off the top of my head, if a young female teen was acting up and her parent loudly announced details of her personal life such as something menstrual related - then no, it's not appropriate at all. Most parents manage to get by without having to use such cruel techniques and raise fine children, so those that do are being needlessly lazy and cruel.
To deliberately and knowingly humiliate a person unecessarily is generally the wrong way to handle anything. However, I think that sometimes, when one has messed up badly enough, any response made WILL be humiliating. Sometimes, you have to do it anyway, because the situation demands it.
Example: If my child was caught shoplifting, I would require her to go back to the store, return the item, apologize personally to the shopkeeper, and make a charitable donation worth three times the value of the item stolen - publicly. Humiliating? Sure. But it's necessary, under the circumstances, to humiliate oneself, in order to make the needed amends. Incidentally, my daughter knows this would be the punishment, and knows I'd follow through. Half of good parenting is telling the kid - up front and early - what will happen if common bad behaviors turn up.
However, I would not do something like require her to hold a sandwich sign telling her crime to the world, go to school herself in her pajamas for being late to get up too often, or otherwise force her into a situation where she herself is held up for mockery. I guess I feel there are two levels of humiliation - the kind that makes you an object of pity and a sad example, and the kind that makes you an object for mockery - by parents or others. The one is sometimes a necessary evil, the other is close kin to being put in old-fashioned stocks, so the peasants of the village can throw fruit, tease, and laugh. It's low, it's uncivilized, and I'd never do it.
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