But, whenever I read people replies from people in the neverending spanking/not spanking debate, it seems like there are some who think the only choices for teaching our children are:
Spanking
Timeouts
Taking away toys/priveleges
1-2-3 Magic
That's it. Just straight pavlovian stimuli/response to train the children what to do and what not to do, until they're grown.
Just wanted to get a list of other parenting methods that people use, to let people know that there are other choices that involve actually teaching your child to make good decisions without the contrived stimuli/response reward/punishment system.
So, what are some of the other alternatives (besides, I guess, totally ignoring %26amp; neglecting your kids or abusing them). What are some parenting methods that you've used or seen working in real life, besides the above ones?What are all of the different parenting methods available?
Oh my God, I love your question! Thank God for common sense at long last. I'm also tired of the debates, it seems to me sometimes as if most people have discipline methods revised down to spanking vs timeout!
I'm with you on the natural and logical consequences, I think most people seriously underestimate a child's capacity to absorb, understand and digest what is happening in their environment, and what you are teaching them.
Ok, so what methods do I use? Firstly, I TEACH. Not punish, but teach children about boundaries and rules, consequences both naturally occurring and enforced, I explain to them not just what they did wrong, but what they should do right. I role model, and demonstrate, and ask them to actively think about what I'm saying to them. There's none of this half-hearted limp apologies, lol, I want them to really consider why the particular behaviour needs to change.
Whenever possible, I use naturally occurring consequences. Sometimes though, this isn't appropriate, so in those circumstances I will impose a similar consequence to teach them that their actions aren't appropriate. For example, if a 3 year old should run out onto the road (not that I would allow them to be roaming free near a road), you cannot let them get hit by a car. What I would do is take that child, tell them loudly and firmly ';No! The car will hit you, and you will get hurt!';. I would then restrain them with either a stroller or harness, and tell them that they can't walk now, because they did something so dangerous. After a few minutes, I would then discuss with them why I restrained them, get them to talk it back to me, etc etc.
Of course all the other discipline choices do have their place at times, but I feel that as parents, we are responsible for developing whole human beings. We need to 'grow' children into adults who are responsible, moral, and who have a conscience. I feel that it's not enough to simply 'control' them as children, we need to teach and develop their own moral reasoning, and sense of right and wrong.What are all of the different parenting methods available?
Parenting today is SOO hard! I have 4 children and work full time, so I know the challenges first hand..a great resource that I found was MyLiveCoach. He is an online parenting coach. Check him out. MyLiveCoach@Yahoo.com. It was really helpful for me! Hope it helps!
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When they were very little, we used redirection to keep them safe. Example; Approaching a stove, pick them up quickly with a firm No1 and take them to another room and give them a toy, or read to them for a few minutes,
As the got older we used misbehavior has opportunity to teach, not as an excuse to punish. Even at the 3 or so we explained to them what was not acceptable, why it wasn't at what was. They did not always get it right away, but it's comparable to teaching language. You talk to them even though they can't talk yet, and they understand FAR more then the say.
we used logical consequences. Write on the wall? Clean the wall. Ride your bike without your helmet,lose the bike for a day, do it again lose it for a week. Third time, lose it for the summer.
As our older kids became teenagers, revoking privileges worked well.
We actually punished very little, our kids were always treated with respect and so learned how to be respectful. We often told them we we proud of them and we liked (and still do0 To tell them we are lucky to be their mom or dd.
We never said ';because I said so'; if that was the best reason we could manage, we recognized that we had no reason at all.
We have 5 daughter and a son. all good students, all well-behaved, and all delightful to be around, almost all the time.
Of course, they all have their ';moments' but they are rare and generally short lived. We raised human beings, after all, no robots!
The first couple of years after I moved out on my own, I came to the revelation that I did not truly understand why I did certain things, or what would happen if I changed my behavior. I realized I had been trained to follow status quo, but had missed a lot of lessons that would have helped me be successful ';in the real world';. I then had to teach myself.
For this reason, I'm more conscious of what I teach my child, and why. I refuse to give the answer ';because I said so,'; so that she always understands why she needs to do/say what was asked of her. I try my hardest to allow her to learn by natural consequences whenever possible, because I think that's the most effective, long-term.
There are situations where that doesn't seem to work for her (ex: failure to brush teeth), and I don't really want to wait for natural consequences to kick in there, lol. For things like that my ';your quality of life is relative to your behavior'; policy becomes effective. When certain house rules are broken, certain priveleges are revoked.
I also reserve the right to get creative and make stuff up as I go. Once, she broke a friend's toy and lied about it. In this case things occurred which made it impossible for her to replace the item or apologize to this friend, so she was required to donate a similar toy to a local charity. Another time we went down to the club house and picked up trash and what-not because she littered out the car window.
Time-outs are just cooling-off periods in my house, not really punishment. And I choose not to spank. I have been known to count to 3 when applicable, but only once did she ever test that theory and get to 3. Now 1 is plenty. I'm not sure if that's 1-2-3 magic or not.
I don't know if I answered your question or further confused the issue. But that's my 2 cents. :)
';Spare the rod and spoil the child'; Don't let them get away with bloody murder cause you don't want to hurt their feeeeelings or their self esteem. BARF!
Every child is different but sometimes its best to have one parent whose parenting style is one way and the others, opposite. Lets take my parents for example. My mother is a huge authoritarian. And my father is more hands-off and understanding than authoritarian.
This way there is ';a balance in the force'; , or like a check's and balance system. If one parent feels the other is too harsh, then they discuss it. If one thinks the other is being to loose, the same thing happens.
This way a child doesn't feel overwhelmed. This especially helps when the child rebels against the authoritarian-type parent. He or she will open up to the more gentle and understanding one who will hopefully talk to the authoritarian-type parent about the child's feelings. You see? Its like a system.
At least that how it worked in my house and with my grandparents and great-grandparents. It worked on me really well. But every child is different.
My parents developed this style without knowing. And that's how parenting is. Its like walking down a road where everything is fuzzy and confusing and you don't know your way around. Its supposed to be that way. As humans, we cannot control the future or developed some formula for raising a perfect child - we ourselves are imperfect.
My mother always said ';i haven't raised a perfect child and i would never want one because i wouldn't know how to deal with a perfect child.';
Congrats, I guess that makes you a better parent than most of us. Thank you so much for teaching us. I hope I can reform in time to save my children from my parenting and to turn them into green party hippies. Go Nader
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